


Déjà Vu

by vampireisthenewblack



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Blow Jobs, M/M, SSE, SSE AU, Slash, VampSlash, twislash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-03-18
Updated: 2011-11-27
Packaged: 2017-10-17 04:56:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/173129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampireisthenewblack/pseuds/vampireisthenewblack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <img/>
</p><p>AU SSE!verse. 'For a moment, he's there, and he's real, and it's him. I see it in the way he stands, the way his hair curls behind his ears. He's more beautiful than my memory or an image on paper can do justice.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Say Something Else](https://archiveofourown.org/works/159654) by [vampireisthenewblack](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampireisthenewblack/pseuds/vampireisthenewblack). 



> It's SSE, Jim, but not as we know it. It's not an outtake, it's not a futuretake, it's not a prelude to a sequel, it's not canon to Say Something Else, it is not 'what really happened', it is not me wishing I'd written SSE in a different genre. It is merely a 'what if?'. An AU fanfic of my own fanfic. I don't know if that makes sense.
> 
> I have turned things on their heads. If you don't want your impressions of the SSE boys distorted, if you think you might hate me if I do something too horrible, if you want to stay firmly in the 'real world', you probably shouldn't read this.
> 
> Though this is set in an alternate SSE universe, it is assumed that you have read Say Something Else.

Seth is still wide eyed about being in London, even though it's the second time he's come. It's easy to forget, sometimes, that he's so much younger than me.

He's only twenty, yet he's the one I lean on, the one I need close just to hold me together. His large, warm hand holding mine is infinitely comforting as I feel the stark absence of Alec, and it's sharper, keener here, as we say goodbye to the family and friends we shared outside the pub where he and I spent so much time together.

We all go in different directions, and Seth and I are left alone on the street. Just a glance and a smile and a nod, and we begin the walk back to our hotel. We share a few words, commentary on the day, the wind up at the pub. Jane is single again, Felix and Heidi are married now. Demetri is just... different.

We're all changed in some way, now.

I stare down the quiet street as we make our way unhurriedly toward the hotel. There are a few people around, walking with purpose, or loitering in ones and twos and threes. I don't pay much attention to them, lost as I am in my memories. I still half expect _him_  to appear out of nowhere, to lift an amused eyebrow at my proximity to a man other than him, to chastise me for it before getting in Seth's face to tell him in no uncertain terms that I'm already taken.

It's because we are here, taking the same path I walked with Alec a hundred times.

We don't pause, but we share a look as we approach the street where Alec and I lived. I see the doorway. I see lights in the flat above. We keep walking, but I can't help one final glance back.

I see something I've seen only in my dreams since I buried him.

For just a moment, he's there, and he's real, and it's him. I see it in the way he stands, the way his hair curls behind his ears. He looks paler in the dim light, and he's more beautiful than I remember, more beautiful than my memory or an image on paper or a screen can do justice.

He's looking at me, and even before my mind can register the impossibility, I drop Seth's hand as guilt floods my system.

The brief second I look away to acknowledge Seth's enquiry is enough for the bubble to burst.

When I look back, he's gone.

My heart threatens to beat out of my chest, but I find the breath to respond to Seth's concern.

"I'm losing my mind," I tell him.

~v~

I'm filled with heat, surrounded and enveloped in it. Hot, sweat slick, and I think I'm dying, or I will die if I don't— "... _please_..."

He lifts his head from where his face has been buried in my shoulder and I drown in warm brown eyes, melt into his hot, messy kiss, and then I do die, arching my back and crying out as he whispers my name and " _I love you_."

~v~

"I saw him."

"Mmmm?" Seth presses his face into the back of my neck and breathes, slow and steady and deep. He's close to sleep. "It's 'cause we're here, babe. You're not crazy."

But I think I might be. "It was so real."

"Go t'sleep," he whispers, slow and languid, and then he's gone.

I can't make my mind shut down. Seth's body pressed against my back is hot. I get up and wander the dark hotel room, unable to get the image of Alec out of my thoughts.

"I'm finally loosing my mind," I say to the silent room.

Then I know that I'm insane or dreaming, because from somewhere in the shadows, comes his voice.

"You've not gone mad, love."

My heart stops beating, and I can't breathe. I stare at the place in the darkness that the words came from, frozen. Then I see the shape of him, the perfect outline of his body in the gloom. The tilt of his hips, the way he stands and lifts his chin, the shape of his face. All so familiar.

My heart beats, just once, and I take one long breath, enough to fill my lungs, and the shuddering rush of air fills the room with noise.

It's him. It's really him. I try to speak but my throat is closed and dry. I can only gape at my dead lover as he seems to drift out of the shadows.

"Shh, love," he whispers. "I won't hurt you."

The assumption that I'm afraid forces me to think. My heart begins to beat again, hard and fast, and I let the air out of my lungs. "I'm dreaming," I whisper. It's the only explanation.

He gives a shrug so fluid that I know this can't be real. "It's probably not a silly idea."

That's not what he says when I'm dreaming about him. He tells me 'yes, you are', when I'm dreaming. This isn't the same. "This is real," I gasp. "You're real. You're alive..." I'm impelled forward, and I reach for him.

He's gone before I can touch him.

"I wouldn't say that. Not alive, as such. Not really."

I whirl around, following his voice. I find him behind me, and I see him clearly, now that the dim light from the street below illuminates his face through the window. So pale, almost white, and his skin is too perfect.

His eyes are blood red.

I can't do anything but stare in shock and disbelief.

Alec drops his lashes over the crimson irises and looks away. "I shouldn't be here, of course. I had to see, though. I had to be sure that you weren't alone." He glances toward the open bedroom door. I look too, and I can just see the shape of Seth's legs under the blankets.

"Seth," I whisper so softly I can't hear it myself.

"Yeah." Alec's voice, while devoid of emotion, is so familiar, yet there is a resonance to it that I don't remember. "He's gorgeous, love," he says. "Nothing like me at all though, is he?" He laughs softly, musically.

I stare into Alec's eyes. "What happened to you? How? I don't understand. I buried you..."

His mouth twists into a grimace. "It's a long and fascinating tale, full of..." He sighs. "Horrible things. Don't worry about me, love. I'm all right. Do you love him?" He looks toward the bedroom again.

I inhale noisily and speak without hesitation. "Yes."

There's just the slightest change in his expression, a tightening around those surreal eyes, and I realise what I've said. "I... You were gone," I almost sob as I reach for him. "I was a mess, baby. Seth, he—"

My fingers close around Alec's wrist and my words get lost. Where I expect his flesh to yield under my fingers, it is as hard and rigid as stone. His skin is ice cold, and when I try to pull him toward me he doesn't move at all.

I let out a whimper of confusion and something I suspect might be fear, and drop my grip on him.

"I'm sorry, love," he whispers. "I shouldn't have come."

He turns slowly, one eye on me, as if fearing he'll move too fast. I panic, afraid that he'll leave and I'll never know the truth, and so I wrap my fingers around his upper arm. "Alec, please. You can't just appear like this and then disappear again." I try to turn him, but he won't budge, so I move in front of him and grasp his other arm. Close, like this, I can smell him, but he's sweet and cool, nothing like the scent I forgot long ago because it was eclipsed by the scent of warm, earthy Seth.

All I can feel beneath my fingers is immovable stone. I'm shaking hard, terrified, adrenaline pumping through my veins, and some instinct tells me to flee, but I only grip tighter. I look down into his eyes and fight to remember that once they were blue. Now they are bright red and flashing with something I can't describe.

So close, and yet not close enough. My emotions are conflicted; my head tells me to run because he's unnatural.

Inhuman.

But my heart aches for him. My body reacts to his beauty, and despite the freakish colour of his eyes and his impossibly hard, cold flesh, I wrap my arms around him as I've done so many times before and I lean down to kiss him.

Even though I expect it, the icy chill of his lips shocks me and I gasp—but I don't pull away. I can't. I need this, and though I want him to be soft, pliant and warm, with this kiss, I know it's true.

Alec is dead. He might be standing here, talking, walking, kissing me back with lips like ice, but this is real, I'm not dreaming, and he's not alive.

I start to cry, and hot tears wet my cheeks. I hold him tighter, my hand moving up his back, my fingers threading into his hair and it, of all things, feels the same. I twist my fingers into the soft thickness of it and he moans into my mouth.

I take the opportunity while his lips are parted and flick my tongue against the inside of his lip. I whimper at the taste of him and I want more. I don't know where or why or what I am; I only know that this is Alec, and after believing him gone into nothingness for two years, I need as much of him as I can get.

My arms are bruising as I hold onto him, and I don't care.

I try to push him back, into the couch, and he moans, a strangled, painful sound, and then everything happens at once.

I'm pushed across the room, his arms tight around me, hurting me, air rushing past me until I hit the wall. In a second, it's over, and his hands are pressed against my chest, crushing the breath out of me. His face is buried in my neck, cold stone lips parted against my throat. Another anguished groan rips through him.

"Oh, god," I whimper, confused, afraid. I have no idea what's going on, but he's hurting me, and yet I don't want him to ever let go.

He freezes. The only sound is my harsh breathing. The only movement the rapid heaving of my chest as I struggle for breath, and the shaking of my hands as I clutch at the back of his jacket.

"Want you so badly," he whispers, cold lips moving against my throat. And then he's gone again, and without him to hold me up, I slump to the floor, aching and afraid. I'm bruising, my arms, my chest, and I don't care. I search the room with my eyes, but I can't see him. "Alec? Oh, god, Alec..." My voice breaks and the sobs hurt my chest. "God, don't go. Please don't go..."

A soft voice at my ear makes me turn my head. "Shhh." He's so close, and I automatically tip my head, searching for his lips, but he shakes his head minutely. "He's waking up."

I look toward the bedroom, but I can see nothing from this angle, and I can't hear anything. I look back at Alec. "Please don't go."

"I have to, love. You're better off without me." He brushes cold fingers feather-light over the bruising flesh of my upper arms. "I'll just hurt you."

"The only thing you ever did to hurt me was die," I hiss and regret it immediately. Fresh tears well in my eyes and fall, streaking my face and falling in hot splashes against my bare chest.

"I know. I'll be sorry for the rest of forever." He touches my face with delicate, beautiful, ice cold fingers. "I love you, Edward. I'm sorry to do this. I had to know you weren't alone. And you're not. You're beautiful together, you know, you and your Seth. He's magnificent." He pulls his hand away from my face, curling the fingers into a fist. "When I saw you with him, under him..."

His lips twist into a grimace, and he squeezes his eyes shut tight.

"Oh, god." My voice breaks. "You watched us—"

His eyes snap open. "Shh, it's all right, love."

I'm shaking, horrified, but Alec hooks his fingertips under my hands, and gingerly, one at a time, brings them to his lips. "I thought I'd want to kill him, you know?" He closes his eyes and with the strange colour hidden, he looks more like he did when he was mine, when he was alive. "Maybe, in the back of my mind, that's what I came here to do, so I could take you with me..."

I gasp, because he speaks without metaphor, and the instinctive fear makes sense to me now. Whatever he is, Alec, my Alec, my sweet, cheeky Alec, has become something capable of killing. But even this knowledge can't make me logical. "Take me with you," I beg. "I want to be with you."

He gives me a wry smile and shakes his head. "Never. You don't want this. I never would have chosen it for myself, and I won't do it to you." He blinks. "I gotta go. I love you, Edward. I will forever."

His cold lips brush against mine, and he is gone in a rush of air. The door clicks, and I look in time to see it slip back into the frame.

A soft groan comes from the bedroom, and then Seth's voice, thick with sleep. "Where are you, babe?"

I can't speak or get up from where I'm sitting against the wall. I can barely catch my breath around the harsh sobs that rack my body. I try to muffle the sound, hoping that Seth will fall asleep again and Alec will come back.

But he finds me sitting on the floor, my back against the wall. He half drags, half carries me back to bed and wraps me in arms that are stiflingly hot compared to Alec's cold embrace.

I want to tell him, but I can't get words out past my tears. Eventually I relax, only the gasping aftermath of my pain remaining, hurting my bruised chest.

Finally, I begin to drift off to sleep, with Seth's warm hand stroking my hair.

"Edward?" he whispers, and I lift my head. I could drown in his eyes.

"What's that smell?" he asks, wrinkling his nose.

I squint at him, not understanding.

"It's like... really sweet honey or something. I dunno." He shrugs and sniffs and rubs at his nose again. "It's burning my sinuses. You can't smell that? God, I hope I'm not getting sick."

My chest shudders again, and he pulls me closer. "Go to sleep, babe. You can tell me about your dream in the morning."


	2. Chapter 2

I don't dream at all. When I wake, I'm alone and the sun is forcing its way through the gaps in the curtains. I roll onto my side and wince at the throbbing pain as I put weight on my bruised arm.

Seth appears in the doorway as I pull myself into a sitting position on the edge of the bed.

He looks at me with a mixture of concern and something else, his eyes shifting over my upper body. I grab a discarded t-shirt and pull it on before I meet his eyes.

"What the hell happened last night, Edward?" he asks, his voice deceptively calm. I know him. I know he's worried, but it's the kind of worry that verges on anger and frustration. "You're covered in bruises—and don't try to tell me you fell or some shit, because they look like fucking hand prints."

"You'll think I'm delusional," I mutter.

He crosses the room and falls to his knees in front of me, his large hands sliding up my thighs over the thin fabric of my pyjama pants. "Just tell me."

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Seth loves me. I can tell him anything. "Alec was here last night."

Anyone else would laugh. Seth doesn't. "You were dreaming." It's not an attempt to convince me; it's a logical assumption. I dream about Alec every night.

I shake my head. "It was real." If it weren't for the bruises, I would have convinced myself that it was a dream. "Impossible," I say with a dry laugh, "but real."

Seth's expression shifts to concern. "Babe, I don't know what to say. Alec's—"

"Dead. Yeah, I know." I push myself off the bed, causing Seth to rock back onto his heels, and I walk out into the main room, dragging my fingers through my hair as I look around, searching for a sign—anything—that will prove I'm not losing it.

There's nothing. The only thing he touched was me. I peel off my t-shirt and look at myself. There's some bruising across my upper chest that could have been caused by anything, but there are four distinct lines ringing each of my biceps. "Did you do this?" I ask Seth. "'Cause if he wasn't here, it was just you and me."

Seth wraps his arms carefully around me and lets out a loud sigh. "Even if, for arguments sake, Alec was here, there's no way he could have done this. No way."

"He was different. Strong." I lean my head on Seth's shoulder, inhaling his clean, warm scent. "And cold. And he was... hard. Not like that," I add when Seth quirks a brow at me. "And his eyes. This is the weirdest thing. They were red."

Seth twitches. "What?"

"I swear I'm not making it up."

Seth says nothing, but his forehead is creased with worry. He inhales through his nose and flinches. "You can't smell that?"

"What?"

"Sickly sweet... What did he smell like to you?"

"You believe me?"

"What did he smell like?"

"He smelt good."

Seth lets me go and walks away, back into the bedroom. I follow him. He opens our suitcases and starts throwing our clothes in.

"What are you doing? Our flight isn't 'til tomorrow afternoon."

"You said he was cold, right?"

"Yeah." I watch as he carelessly yanks our coats out of the closet and tosses them onto the bed. I grab hold of his arm and force him to face me. "What are you doing?"

Seth chews his lip. "Now you're gonna think  _I'm_  nuts. Maybe we both are. Edward, Alec is dead, but you swear he was here last night. He's cold, hard, strong. He has red eyes. It's the eyes that made me click to it—and there's the smell. It makes a disturbing amount of sense."

I inhale. "I don't smell anything."

Seth laughs mirthlessly. "You won't. You're not Quileute. Call the airline. Get us on the next flight home."

"What are you talking about? Alec's here. Why are we going?"

"Dad used to tell me these stories when I was a kid. Legends, you know?" He sighs, dragging his fingers through his hair. "I don't remember much. 'Hard as stone and cold as ice.' Something about red eyes and a sweet smell that burns your nose. He always said they were just stories—but he made damn sure I knew them. I remember that. If those legends are true, we have to get out of here." Seth chews his lip and sits down heavily on the bed. "I can smell him out there. On you, too. Yeah, still. But I didn't see him. He was strong? Like, inhumanly strong?"

I begin to sweat, just remembering it, the way he tossed me across the room like it was nothing. "Yeah."

Seth's lips twist, as if he's trying to smile but can't. "Hard as stone and cold as ice?"

I nod.

"You're sure? How close did you get?"

My eyes sting and I blink away tears. "I kissed him."

Seth swallows, and the skin tightens around his eyes, but other than that, he gives no reaction. "Right. And, umm... Red eyes." His head falls into his hands. "Jesus."

All I can do is stare at him with tears running down my face. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Guilty, yeah—but I felt that last night, too. Even though Alec was supposed to be dead, I still felt like him finding me with Seth was a betrayal. And now... "Seth, I don't know what to say. I was in shock. He was supposed to be dead and there he was, exactly the same... except—"

Seth lifts his head and holds out a hand to me. I take it and allow him to pull me down beside him. He wraps an arm around me and presses his lips to my forehead. "It's not that. Don't worry about that, Edward. If it's really him—if he is what I think he is, if the stories are true—he's dangerous. That's why we have to leave. Today."

 _If he is what I think he is._

Alec is dead. I know that. But last night he walked. He talked. I kissed him and he kissed me back. His skin was cold, and he was preternaturally strong. I don't want to know, but I ask anyway. "What is he, Seth?"

Seth sighs and mumbles something that sounds like "supernatural bullshit" and then he looks me right in the eye. "The legend calls them the Cold Ones. They're blood drinkers."

I feel dizzy and I can't breathe, remembering his lips pressed against my throat, his anguished expression of need. I look at Seth and my breath comes out in a panicked rush. "I... I can't..." I shake my head and I want it to be disbelief but I know it's not, because I believe, completely. But I keep doing it, as if by this action I can make it not real. "No..." I try again.

Seth purses his lips, his own pain evident in his eyes. "Edward, I'm sorry."

~v~

I'm in shock. The awareness of it sits at the edge of my mind as I watch Seth move about the room with the phone pressed to his ear. He is businesslike and abrupt as he speaks into it.

I tune it out and stare at the wall, and even when he raises his voice in frustration, I don't look up.

"There are no flights to Seattle 'til the morning."

The couch shifts as he sits down beside me, and I automatically lean toward him. "Seattle." My voice is flat and emotionless, even to my own ears. My eyes are fixed on a tiny dent in the wall.

Seth touches my face to get my attention. "I'm going to talk to Jake's dad. He has to know something."

He's so gentle. His voice, his words, his fingers as he entwines them with mine. I look down at our joined hands. "I can't go."

Closing his eyes, he sighs. "I'm not leaving you here."

I don't want him to go without me. I hadn't considered that he might, but I know that if he insists on getting on a plane, I won't be going with him.

Alec is here in London.

I push myself off the couch and pull my jacket on. "We're going to be late." We've arranged to meet Jane for lunch, and now, more than ever, I need to see her.

"Babe. I don't think we should leave the hotel."

I glance at Seth and register his worried expression. "Vampires can't go out in the daytime," I tell him.

~v~

"Nothing strange at all?" I ask. "You haven't seen anything... weird?"

Jane's laugh is musical, but just a little strained. "You seeing ghosts, love?"

Seth tears a paper napkin into narrow strips.

"Maybe." I look right into her eyes. They're exactly like his were. Just the same in every way, from the pretty blue to the long eyelashes. "Maybe I'm crazy." I laugh, and there is no humour behind it, but Jane relaxes anyway.

"Mum reckons a photo of you two went missing," she laughs. "It was months ago, but she still goes on about it. 'A sign he's watching over us,' she says. Dad tells her she's daft—you know what he's like—but she won't let it go. Makes her feel better, I think, so I just let her go for it." She smirks at me. "I thought you might have nicked it last time you were over."

I can't smile back. I shake my head slowly and squeeze Seth's hand under the table.

~v~

The sun will set soon, and I want him to come again, but I know he won't. Last night was a brief flicker of terrifying hope, but now he's gone again.

Seth sifts through our things, packing all but the essentials, making sure we are ready to go first thing in the morning. "Got your passport?"

"It's in my bag." I turn away from the window where I've been staring out at nothing. "Seth, please. I can't go. I need to—"

"We can think about that once we're safe." Dropping his own papers onto the coffee table, he holds my face in his hands and kisses me once. "I'm scared shitless, Edward."

I know I'm pulling a face, but I don't care. "It's Alec," I say, with both a note of ridicule and a plea for understanding.

Seth frowns. "Baby, I know this has got to be hard—"

His words are cut off by a click and a bang. There's movement in my peripheral vision and I look toward the door. He's wearing a coat with the hood pulled up around his face, but I know it's Alec.

"Oh my god," I whisper.

Seth turns, shoving me behind him as he takes a few steps backward. He's shaking. Alec lifts pale hands and pulls back the hood and I see him in the light. He's breathtaking.

"Jesus," Seth breathes.

Alec's eyes flick from me to Seth and back again. "You've gotta get out of here. Now."

Seth is trembling. I twist out of his grip, needing to go to Alec. Seth tries to hold me, but I turn on him, and I'm about to insist he release me, but the look on his face stops me cold. I've never seen anything like it. It's fear, and anger too. His nostrils are flared, his lips pursed tightly together, and his eyes are wide. He's not looking at me. He's staring at Alec.

" _Now_ ," Alec grinds out, his voice low and menacing. He takes a few steps forward, and an alien sound comes from Seth.

It's a low, rumbling growl.

Alec stops. His eyes flash and his own nostrils flare. He pulls himself up to his full height—Seth still towers over him—and suddenly it's like I'm not in the room anymore. The two of them stare each other down, and when I slip between them, it's like neither of them see me.

Alec recovers first. "I don't know what the fuck you are, mate, but you gotta believe me. You're in danger.  _Edward_  is in danger. You gotta leave." He looks at the packed suitcases. "This all your stuff? When's your flight?"

"Tomorrow morning," I say. "But I'm not going."

Alec tears his eyes from Seth's face and looks at me. He pulls his lower lip into his mouth and sucks on it. "Love..." He shakes his head slowly. "I'm sorry, love. It's my fault, but you gotta go right the fuck now, and if I have to pick you up and drag you out of here—"

"Don't touch him," Seth growls as he tugs me roughly behind him and steps right up to Alec and glares down at him.

Alec lifts a perfect eyebrow and glances at me. "I like him." He looks back at Seth. "Sweetheart, I know you mean well, but the thing is, I said a bit too much to the wrong person—and now he's coming here. I think you prefer Edward alive, so you should just go along with it, yeah?"

Seth's stance changes. He stops trembling and starts taking deep breaths. "This person..."

"Dangerous." Alec nods and then pulls up his hood again.

"You brought another one here, didn't you?" Seth starts shaking again.

"I fucked up. I'm trying to fix it." He opens the door. "Passports and tickets... Money... Leave the rest—you can't carry it."

Seth seems to consider for a moment, and then he flies into action, grabbing our hand luggage, stuffing his papers in, checking for my passport before passing my bag over. He grabs me by the hand, nods at Alec, and follows him through the door, dragging me with him

I don't dream at all. When I wake, I'm alone and the sun is forcing its way through the gaps in the curtains. I roll onto my side and wince at the throbbing pain as I put weight on my bruised arm.

Seth appears in the doorway as I pull myself into a sitting position on the edge of the bed.

He looks at me with a mixture of concern and something else, his eyes shifting over my upper body. I grab a discarded t-shirt and pull it on before I meet his eyes.

"What the hell happened last night, Edward?" he asks, his voice deceptively calm. I know him. I know he's worried, but it's the kind of worry that verges on anger and frustration. "You're covered in bruises—and don't try to tell me you fell or some shit, because they look like fucking hand prints."

"You'll think I'm delusional," I mutter.

He crosses the room and falls to his knees in front of me, his large hands sliding up my thighs over the thin fabric of my pyjama pants. "Just tell me."

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Seth loves me. I can tell him anything. "Alec was here last night."

Anyone else would laugh. Seth doesn't. "You were dreaming." It's not an attempt to convince me; it's a logical assumption. I dream about Alec every night.

I shake my head. "It was real." If it weren't for the bruises, I would have convinced myself that it was a dream. "Impossible," I say with a dry laugh, "but real."

Seth's expression shifts to concern. "Babe, I don't know what to say. Alec's—"

"Dead. Yeah, I know." I push myself off the bed, causing Seth to rock back onto his heels, and I walk out into the main room, dragging my fingers through my hair as I look around, searching for a sign—anything—that will prove I'm not losing it.

There's nothing. The only thing he touched was me. I peel off my t-shirt and look at myself. There's some bruising across my upper chest that could have been caused by anything, but there are four distinct lines ringing each of my biceps. "Did you do this?" I ask Seth. "'Cause if he wasn't here, it was just you and me."

Seth wraps his arms carefully around me and lets out a loud sigh. "Even if, for arguments sake, Alec was here, there's no way he could have done this. No way."

"He was different. Strong." I lean my head on Seth's shoulder, inhaling his clean, warm scent. "And cold. And he was... hard. Not like that," I add when Seth quirks a brow at me. "And his eyes. This is the weirdest thing. They were red."

Seth twitches. "What?"

"I swear I'm not making it up."

Seth says nothing, but his forehead is creased with worry. He inhales through his nose and flinches. "You can't smell that?"

"What?"

"Sickly sweet... What did he smell like to you?"

"You believe me?"

"What did he smell like?"

"He smelt good."

Seth lets me go and walks away, back into the bedroom. I follow him. He opens our suitcases and starts throwing our clothes in.

"What are you doing? Our flight isn't 'til tomorrow afternoon."

"You said he was cold, right?"

"Yeah." I watch as he carelessly yanks our coats out of the closet and tosses them onto the bed. I grab hold of his arm and force him to face me. "What are you doing?"

Seth chews his lip. "Now you're gonna think  _I'm_  nuts. Maybe we both are. Edward, Alec is dead, but you swear he was here last night. He's cold, hard, strong. He has red eyes. It's the eyes that made me click to it—and there's the smell. It makes a disturbing amount of sense."

I inhale. "I don't smell anything."

Seth laughs mirthlessly. "You won't. You're not Quileute. Call the airline. Get us on the next flight home."

"What are you talking about? Alec's here. Why are we going?"

"Dad used to tell me these stories when I was a kid. Legends, you know?" He sighs, dragging his fingers through his hair. "I don't remember much. 'Hard as stone and cold as ice.' Something about red eyes and a sweet smell that burns your nose. He always said they were just stories—but he made damn sure I knew them. I remember that. If those legends are true, we have to get out of here." Seth chews his lip and sits down heavily on the bed. "I can smell him out there. On you, too. Yeah, still. But I didn't see him. He was strong? Like, inhumanly strong?"

I begin to sweat, just remembering it, the way he tossed me across the room like it was nothing. "Yeah."

Seth's lips twist, as if he's trying to smile but can't. "Hard as stone and cold as ice?"

I nod.

"You're sure? How close did you get?"

My eyes sting and I blink away tears. "I kissed him."

Seth swallows, and the skin tightens around his eyes, but other than that, he gives no reaction. "Right. And, umm... Red eyes." His head falls into his hands. "Jesus."

All I can do is stare at him with tears running down my face. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Guilty, yeah—but I felt that last night, too. Even though Alec was supposed to be dead, I still felt like him finding me with Seth was a betrayal. And now... "Seth, I don't know what to say. I was in shock. He was supposed to be dead and there he was, exactly the same... except—"

Seth lifts his head and holds out a hand to me. I take it and allow him to pull me down beside him. He wraps an arm around me and presses his lips to my forehead. "It's not that. Don't worry about that, Edward. If it's really him—if he is what I think he is, if the stories are true—he's dangerous. That's why we have to leave. Today."

 _If he is what I think he is._

Alec is dead. I know that. But last night he walked. He talked. I kissed him and he kissed me back. His skin was cold, and he was preternaturally strong. I don't want to know, but I ask anyway. "What is he, Seth?"

Seth sighs and mumbles something that sounds like "supernatural bullshit" and then he looks me right in the eye. "The legend calls them the Cold Ones. They're blood drinkers."

I feel dizzy and I can't breathe, remembering his lips pressed against my throat, his anguished expression of need. I look at Seth and my breath comes out in a panicked rush. "I... I can't..." I shake my head and I want it to be disbelief but I know it's not, because I believe, completely. But I keep doing it, as if by this action I can make it not real. "No..." I try again.

Seth purses his lips, his own pain evident in his eyes. "Edward, I'm sorry."

~v~

I'm in shock. The awareness of it sits at the edge of my mind as I watch Seth move about the room with the phone pressed to his ear. He is businesslike and abrupt as he speaks into it.

I tune it out and stare at the wall, and even when he raises his voice in frustration, I don't look up.

"There are no flights to Seattle 'til the morning."

The couch shifts as he sits down beside me, and I automatically lean toward him. "Seattle." My voice is flat and emotionless, even to my own ears. My eyes are fixed on a tiny dent in the wall.

Seth touches my face to get my attention. "I'm going to talk to Jake's dad. He has to know something."

He's so gentle. His voice, his words, his fingers as he entwines them with mine. I look down at our joined hands. "I can't go."

Closing his eyes, he sighs. "I'm not leaving you here."

I don't want him to go without me. I hadn't considered that he might, but I know that if he insists on getting on a plane, I won't be going with him.

Alec is here in London.

I push myself off the couch and pull my jacket on. "We're going to be late." We've arranged to meet Jane for lunch, and now, more than ever, I need to see her.

"Babe. I don't think we should leave the hotel."

I glance at Seth and register his worried expression. "Vampires can't go out in the daytime," I tell him.

~v~

"Nothing strange at all?" I ask. "You haven't seen anything... weird?"

Jane's laugh is musical, but just a little strained. "You seeing ghosts, love?"

Seth tears a paper napkin into narrow strips.

"Maybe." I look right into her eyes. They're exactly like his were. Just the same in every way, from the pretty blue to the long eyelashes. "Maybe I'm crazy." I laugh, and there is no humour behind it, but Jane relaxes anyway.

"Mum reckons a photo of you two went missing," she laughs. "It was months ago, but she still goes on about it. 'A sign he's watching over us,' she says. Dad tells her she's daft—you know what he's like—but she won't let it go. Makes her feel better, I think, so I just let her go for it." She smirks at me. "I thought you might have nicked it last time you were over."

I can't smile back. I shake my head slowly and squeeze Seth's hand under the table.

~v~

The sun will set soon, and I want him to come again, but I know he won't. Last night was a brief flicker of terrifying hope, but now he's gone again.

Seth sifts through our things, packing all but the essentials, making sure we are ready to go first thing in the morning. "Got your passport?"

"It's in my bag." I turn away from the window where I've been staring out at nothing. "Seth, please. I can't go. I need to—"

"We can think about that once we're safe." Dropping his own papers onto the coffee table, he holds my face in his hands and kisses me once. "I'm scared shitless, Edward."

I know I'm pulling a face, but I don't care. "It's Alec," I say, with both a note of ridicule and a plea for understanding.

Seth frowns. "Baby, I know this has got to be hard—"

His words are cut off by a click and a bang. There's movement in my peripheral vision and I look toward the door. He's wearing a coat with the hood pulled up around his face, but I know it's Alec.

"Oh my god," I whisper.

Seth turns, shoving me behind him as he takes a few steps backward. He's shaking. Alec lifts pale hands and pulls back the hood and I see him in the light. He's breathtaking.

"Jesus," Seth breathes.

Alec's eyes flick from me to Seth and back again. "You've gotta get out of here. Now."

Seth is trembling. I twist out of his grip, needing to go to Alec. Seth tries to hold me, but I turn on him, and I'm about to insist he release me, but the look on his face stops me cold. I've never seen anything like it. It's fear, and anger too. His nostrils are flared, his lips pursed tightly together, and his eyes are wide. He's not looking at me. He's staring at Alec.

" _Now_ ," Alec grinds out, his voice low and menacing. He takes a few steps forward, and an alien sound comes from Seth.

It's a low, rumbling growl.

Alec stops. His eyes flash and his own nostrils flare. He pulls himself up to his full height—Seth still towers over him—and suddenly it's like I'm not in the room anymore. The two of them stare each other down, and when I slip between them, it's like neither of them see me.

Alec recovers first. "I don't know what the fuck you are, mate, but you gotta believe me. You're in danger.  _Edward_  is in danger. You gotta leave." He looks at the packed suitcases. "This all your stuff? When's your flight?"

"Tomorrow morning," I say. "But I'm not going."

Alec tears his eyes from Seth's face and looks at me. He pulls his lower lip into his mouth and sucks on it. "Love..." He shakes his head slowly. "I'm sorry, love. It's my fault, but you gotta go right the fuck now, and if I have to pick you up and drag you out of here—"

"Don't touch him," Seth growls as he tugs me roughly behind him and steps right up to Alec and glares down at him.

Alec lifts a perfect eyebrow and glances at me. "I like him." He looks back at Seth. "Sweetheart, I know you mean well, but the thing is, I said a bit too much to the wrong person—and now he's coming here. I think you prefer Edward alive, so you should just go along with it, yeah?"

Seth's stance changes. He stops trembling and starts taking deep breaths. "This person..."

"Dangerous." Alec nods and then pulls up his hood again.

"You brought another one here, didn't you?" Seth starts shaking again.

"I fucked up. I'm trying to fix it." He opens the door. "Passports and tickets... Money... Leave the rest—you can't carry it."

Seth seems to consider for a moment, and then he flies into action, grabbing our hand luggage, stuffing his papers in, checking for my passport before passing my bag over. He grabs me by the hand, nods at Alec, and follows him through the door, dragging me with him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's where I get a bit nervous... I'm glossing over (ignoring) certain aspects of Twilight vampire mythology here. And we all know how noisy I am about canon mythology ;) It was difficult for me, my need to explain everything (at least to myself) so it fits both SSE canon and Twilight vampire mythology kinda did my head in for a while. There are things that shouldn't be possible that are here. Feel free to ask any questions in a review and I'll try to give you some idea of where my head was at :)
> 
> Dellaterra, my busy beta, you are awesome. Thank you. Seren, your request is a gift that keeps on giving ;) venis-envy, the fact you love these boys as much as I do, especially Alec, is EVERYTHING.

Alec leads us further into London. My hand is firmly encased in Seth's, but my eyes are on Alec up ahead. The way he moves is so familiar, yet so new. He walks with a fluidity and grace that was never there before. I want to know if the reason I can't breathe is because he's even more beautiful than I remember, or because now, outside the hotel, beyond last night's surreal encounter in the darkness, I can't fool myself that I am dreaming any longer. Seth sees him just as I do. Strangers move past us, stepping out of the way of  _him_ , so I know he's real.

He's walking almost too fast, glancing back every few steps, hurrying us along. We have to get there before the sun goes down, he insists.

He leads us into a pub as the sun is setting. The place is filling up and we take a small table toward the back where it's darker. Alec still has his hood pulled up around his face, and it's only occasionally that I catch a glimpse of the strange and chilling colour of his eyes.

I'm out of breath when I sit down. The smell of beer sickens me; the laughter and talk is too much. I can't concentrate. I have to focus on the two men I'm with. Alec is on one side of me, Seth on the other. It's too much to look at each of them in turn, so I stare down at the tabletop, marked with striated rings. My hands are on the table, the fingers of one interlocked with Seth's, those of the other picking nervously at the sleeve of my jacket as they itch to reach out and touch Alec. He's so close.

I give in to the desire to look at him. His expression is so familiar, and yet so strange in the way it forms. His skin is perfectly smooth and almost white. I don't need to reach out and touch it to know that it's as hard as stone and cold as ice. He's completely alien, yet he is still Alec, and after thinking him dead, after spending two years of my life grieving, I want him. I want to touch him and hold him and kiss him. I want to never let him go again. He almost eclipses the other man sitting at the table with us.

But not quite.

Seth's thigh doesn't quite touch mine, but I can feel the heat in it. I drag my fingers from his grip and pull both my hands into my lap. I can't reconcile the two of them here with me. I want to touch them, both of them, but neither should exist in the others world and I can't make sense of it. Instead, I sit, staring down at the table and I feel them both. Seth's warmth, and Alec's indescribable  _presence_.

"Run and get us a round, will you, sweetheart?"

I look up at Alec's request, but he's staring across at Seth.

Seth frowns and shakes his head slowly.

Alec leans over the table and speaks in a low, smooth, reassuring voice. "If I meant to hurt him, don't you think I would've done it last night?"

Seth stares, his expression unreadable. Then he tips his head to the side, and in an action that surprises me and Alec both, he pushes aside the hood that hides Alec's face. He sits back, with his lips pressed together in a hard line and his brows drawn downward. I can read Seth as well as I ever could Alec. This is the way he gets when I cry, when—even after two years—I miss Alec so badly I can't breathe. It's the way he is just before he sheds a few tears of his own, and he's fighting them hard. I lean into him, and his arm slips around me. I don't know what to do because Alec is right here. He's watching us, and it feels wrong. Seth drags his eyes from Alec's face and kisses me once. "I love you," he whispers, gets up, reaches for his wallet, and with a last glance back, he heads for the bar.

The absence of Seth creates an unexplainable vacuum. I'm afraid to look at Alec, afraid of what I might see in his face. My insides twist. This is all wrong. He can't see me with another man. I can't do that to him.

But he's been gone for so long.

I look anyway when a cold fingertip strokes the back of my hand. I shiver and gasp as I meet his eyes. The world, the pub, the people, the sounds, the smells—they all fade until it is only Alec and I. My chest tightens further, and I try to speak, but I can't.

"I'm so sorry, love," he whispers, and it scares me because I should be the one to say those words.

He drops his head into his hands. When he looks up again there is a new determination in his eyes. "I never should have gone out that night. I wish I could take it back, but there's no fixing it now. And the worst thing I ever did was let you see me. That's the thing that's gonna get you killed."

He says it so casually, like death is nothing. I touch him, my fingertips against the back of his hand, sliding them up the sleeve of his coat. He's so cold, so hard. "You're a... Seth said you were—"

"Shh." Alec shakes his head and leans toward me. "Don't say it."

I feel lightheaded, torn apart as my body wants to both get closer to him, and run far away to safety.

He eases back into his seat. "Your Seth." I think he's going to ask how he knows, but he doesn't. "Where'd you meet him then?"

The question is carefully casual, but I know by the way he averts his eyes, by the tilt of his head, that it's not. Guilt twists my insides until I choke. "We've known each other since we were kids."

Alec narrows his eyes and frowns. "I know this. His dad died, yeah?"

I nod. "Yeah."

Alec looks puzzled. "Funny, that I remember  _that_." He lifts his chin and his lower lip pouts the tiniest bit. "So what is he then?"

I don't understand the question, but I answer anyway. "He's Quileute—"

Alec shakes his head. "Nah, love." He looks at me strangely. "He doesn't smell right. Not like you do."

I stare at Alec in disbelief. "What—huh?"

He leans close and I shiver as his cold breath washes over my cheek. "He's not human," he whispers.

I jump when Seth places three full pint glasses on the table in front of me.

Alec leans back and gazes up at him with curiosity. Seth glares back for a few moments then pulls out his chair. "You're one to talk," he says as he sits down.

Alec smirks.

"What's going on?" Seth asks, his voice quiet and deceptively calm. "Why did you drag us out here? Who is this guy and why did we have to get out of the hotel? Why are we sitting in a pub?"

"He won't come here. He won't do anything in public."

Seth sighs. I hear it, I feel his leg shift against mine, but I don't look at him. I glance up at Alec and he looks at Seth with that same expression of curiosity.

"Who is 'he'?" Seth asks, his voice a little more impatient now. "This other... vampire?" He growls the last word, and it sounds like hate. "Alec. Tell us what the fuck is going on."

Alec's eyes go wide beneath his hood. "I can't," he whispers. "How the fuck do you know? What  _are_  you? I  _know_  you're not human, mate. I can hear it. I can feel it. I can  _smell_  it."

Seth stiffens. He looks profoundly uncomfortable. "Drop it. Please." He glances at me quickly, and he seems terrified. "This guy. What is he to you?"

Alec's eyes flick to me. "He smelt Edward on me this morning. He knew I didn't... Edward is one of the only things I remember from before. He knows I got close enough that Edward could figure out I wasn't right. But Alistair—he's paranoid, see? Thinks some old Italian fucker is gonna come down on him for breaking some rules. Scared of—"

"Alistair?" I don't mean to speak, but the word is out before I can stop it. My mouth is dry, and my voice breaks.

Alec stops. His fingers pick at my sleeve. "Yeah, love?" He speaks carefully, like he would to a child, and fearfully, as though that child is about to lose it.

"Are you... Is he...?" I stammer. I have to know, and yet I don't want to. I'm being eaten away inside at the thought of Alec with another man. It's not something I've had to deal with before. As far as I knew he was dead, and I was the last person to have touched him in passion. But he's not dead. And I can't get the image of him and this faceless man named Alistair out of my head.

Alec's lips twitch, and he leans toward me. His forehead hits my shoulder. "It's not like that, love. The guy's straight.  _And_  fucking old fashioned. Apparently I'm a deviant of the worst—"

I grab his arm, twisting my fingers into the fabric of his sleeve at the elbow. "Have you... Is there anyone...?" I turn my head and press my face into his hair where the hood has slipped down. I know Seth is watching me, and I  _do_  care, but I can't move. I need Alec now, and I need to know if anyone else has touched him the way I touched him.

Alec chuckles softly and shakes his head. "No one, love."

I sigh in relief, but it's tainted. Alec's been alone. He hasn't had the comfort I've found and so I cling to him, wrap my arms around him, and he lets me pull him in. "I'm sorry," I whisper as I kiss him softly on the temple, the cheek, the lips.

Gently, he pushes me away. His lips are still close to mine when he speaks. "Don't forget about your boyfriend, love."

I haven't forgotten, but I turn my head. Seth is watching us. "It's okay," he whispers. He's wearing a small smile. "It really is." He straightens in his chair. "Alec, this Alistair guy. Is he the one that..." He seems to be searching for a word. "...turned you or whatever?"

Alec lets out a soft bark of a laugh. "What  _have_  you been reading?" He shrugs. "It was an accident." He lowers his voice, becomes serious. "That night... I was already fucked, love." He brushes his fingers over mine in a gesture I assume is meant to be comforting. "I was an easy meal."

My heart is pounding. I can't breathe.

"He fucked up, did something wrong."

I feel like I might choke. "I buried you," I rasp.

Alec gives me a wry smile. "Yeah, it weren't nice waking up where you left me either."

I stare at Alec in horror. An image is conjured by my imagination. Something garnered from tongue-in-cheek black comedies, blended with what I know of Alec. This picture plays like a movie in my head, of my lover punching his way out of the fresh dirt I'd put on him. Pale hands, nails encrusted with blood and dirt and splinters of his coffin, thrust out of the ground and scrabble for purchase before he pulls himself up out of his grave. His face is twisted, almost unrecognisable. Fangs are bared, and he snarls like a wild animal before he breaks into a run across the dark cemetery in search of fresh blood.

The vision breaks, and I let out a strangled moan. Seth's hand as it settles on my back is only mildly comforting. "How many people did you kill?" Seth asks quietly. I hide my face. I can't bear to look at either of them.

"Three," is Alec's whispered reply. This time he doesn't speak so coldly. "It took Alistair a couple of hours to notice there was another in the city. He found me and realised I was his mistake. He took me out of London."

I lift my head and look up at Alec. He's staring at Seth, but he glances down at me briefly before he looks away again.

"Is that all?" Seth asks.

Alec swallows, and he shakes his head almost imperceptibly. I sit up. Seth is shaking. His thigh quivers against mine. Alec won't meet my eyes.

"Two years," Seth grinds out. "How often? How many?"

Silence. Long minutes in which the noisy pub intrudes. Loud voices, laughter, music and the clink of glass against glass envelops me as I watch Alec and Seth stare at each other. Alec is as still as a statue. Seth takes deep, even breaths.

Finally, Alec licks his lips. "A lot. More at the beginning. I can go longer now without—"

"How many?" Seth reaches out across the table and takes Alec's hand in his. "Please."

"Hundreds." Alec closes his eyes.

I'm in shock. I knew he was strong enough to be capable of it... But now it's real. I can only stare at him, and at Seth, who looks as if he's about to cry.

"Sometimes it was animals... Alistair is terrified of being discovered—"

"You can live off animals?"

"If we have to," Alec stammers. "It's hard—"

"So you're okay with the fact that you've ended the lives of that many people? You're okay with being a killer?"

"You don't understand," Alec hisses. "The thirst... You can't make it go away. Ever."

"I don't have to understand." Seth grabs my hand and thrusts it at Alec, forcing him to acknowledge me. "Make  _him_  understand. This man has never stopped grieving for you, never stopped dreaming of you, has never let you go. And all that time you were murdering people. I came to know you through Edward. I came to love you through him. You don't have to be a monster. That's not the Alec I know, and it's not the Alec that Edward loves."

I know Seth's right. Alec has killed, and yet when I look at him, his eyes dry, yet rimmed in red as he fights to meet my gaze, all I see is the man I love with everything I am. Changed as he is, he's still Alec, and he's still mine.

I don't know what Seth wants from me.

I can't bear it, with them both waiting for my reaction. I can't help it when I tear my hand from their grip, shove back my chair and bolt from the table.

I don't know where I'm going, but some instinct pushes me into the crowd. The heat, the noise, all serve to confuse me further, and I fight to get away. It's too hot, and I move to where it's cool.

I end up out on the street.

I press myself into a doorway and light a cigarette. Slowly, I begin to calm, to think rationally. It's difficult, because no matter what, there are two men in there that I have to face again, and soon. I push myself to think of Seth, to suppress the bitterness I feel toward him for his attack on Alec.

It's so hard to reconcile Alec with murder. To imagine him killing people for their blood.

My vision hits again. My Alec with his face buried in the neck of a man he holds in his arms. He pulls back and lifts his face to the sky, and his mouth is stained red. It merges with the memory of his lips against my throat, his anguished cry of need for me, and I wonder then exactly what he wanted me for.

Would he have bitten me? Drunk from me? What would it feel like?

My breath comes faster.

"Hello, Edward."

The voice at my ear jolts me from my fantasy. The cultured accent inspires a fleeting thought of my father, but when I look, the thought disappears. The man is dark haired, and well dressed, if conservatively. These observations are also fleeting, because I know immediately who and what he is. The pale, perfect skin, the utter stillness, the impassive cold red stare.

"Alistair," I whisper.

The red eyes narrow. "How dare he," the vampire hisses, and then my entire body jolts as I am caught in a cage of strong arms and the world blurs around me.


	4. Chapter 4

I don't have time to scream or yell for help. I don't have the breath for it. Arms like iron bars constrict my lungs and the air as it rushes by screams in my ears. I panic, scratching at him with my fingers and it hurts so badly. It can't be real. Every moment that passes drags me deeper and deeper into a reality that just isn't possible.

Everything stops and I am released. Dizzy and disoriented, I stumble and fall to the ground. I can't see, but I feel grass under my fingers. My eyes are streaming and I whimper as I drag great gulps of air into my lungs. It hurts. Everything hurts, but I know I have to get away from him. Unable to rise to my feet, I roll over onto all fours and scramble across the ground and I don't know if I'm going away or toward him.

Something slams me in the side—I feel like I've been hit by a sledgehammer—and I fall, curling instinctively into a ball.

"He's risked everything." The words are muttered, but I know it's him. "Who knows who the human has told? He'll have the Volturi down upon me."

I open my eyes. We must be in the park, because all I can see is trees and darkness. There's a figure, just a silhouette, standing several feet away. It moves.

Then it's gone, and I'm hauled to my feet, dragged up by the back of my shirt and my hair. I try to yell, but all that escapes is a gurgle as he shifts one arm around my neck and holds me hard. He drags me backward, deeper into the darkness, and I'm barely able to keep my feet on the ground.

I'm more afraid than I've ever been in my life. Nothing I do, no amount of struggling has any effect and I feel utterly helpless. All I can think is:  _Help me, Seth._

He stops and I manage to get my feet under me. He yanks me by the hair and I see his face again. I can only imagine what my expression must show, abject terror perhaps. His face is stern and immobile. "Stupid boy," he whispers, pulls my head back and his cold lips brush my throat. Then they are gone as he lifts his head up.

"I would think you'd prefer not to watch this, Alec," he says, perfectly calm.

I whimper and twist, wanting to see him, wanting to know for sure that he's here, but I can't move. "Alec, god, Alec, please..." I sob, not caring that I sound completely defeated. I sound weak.

I've never felt weaker.

"S'alright, love," he says, and I wonder at how calm he sounds. "Don't do it, Alistair. Please."

"I'm sorry," Alistair replies, his words clipped and cold. "I won't have them come here because of your impulsiveness."

"Edward's not gonna bring them here." He's getting closer, stepping toward us.

"It's not worth the risk." He tugs at my hair again, stretching my neck to the point of pain, and I cry out.

"No," Alec breathes, and the world moves fast again, too fast, but this time I'm moving on my own. I hit something and there's pain again. There's nausea and sinking and blackness. I'm dying.

~v~

Pain explodes inside my head. I try to open my eyes, but I can't. I shiver. I'm lying on damp ground, propped up against something hard and rough. I hear myself moan, and I register other sounds: growling, hissing, sharp words I can't make out. I force my eyes open and the pain increases, but I see them. Alistair has Alec pinned against a tree, his hands around Alec's throat.

I can't lose him again. Ignoring the pain and the dizziness, I pull myself to my feet, and as I move, both their heads twist to look at me, and their expressions are identical. It's hunger, pure and feral.

Something drips into my right eye and I stop, wiping at the stinging fluid as it obscures my already insufficient vision. My hair is sticky and wet.

I'm bleeding.

The two vampires standing only feet from me are staring.

My knees give way beneath me and I crumple. I can't get enough air. My lungs burn and my fingers tingle and the blood that runs down my temple itches and I twitch and scrub at it.

I look up when I hear a low chuckle. Alistair releases Alec and stands back. "Alec's going to do the job for me," he says.

My eyes flick to Alec, still pressed up against a tree. His hands grip the bark, and it tears away beneath his fingers. His mouth is open and he takes deep breaths. His eyes are wide and dark.

Then he's gone.

The air shifts around me and ice-cold fingers cradle the back of my neck. He's right here with me, holding me, his face inches from mine. Up close I register that his eyes are no longer red. They are pitch black, huge, focused unblinkingly on me. "Love," he whispers. He's shaking, his fingers twitching as they slip into my hair.

Something makes me tip my head back and arch my neck.

"Love..." he says again and licks his lips. "I'll be quick, all right? He would have... I—I'll be quick, love."

I can't move or breathe or resist as he lowers me to the ground and straddles my hips. "It'll only hurt for a bit, love, I promise." His lips barely graze mine and then hover over my cheek. A rumbling growl rocks his body and he lets out a soft grunt as he closes his eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispers hoarsely. "I remembered you. Just you. I love you."

His lips slide over my cheek. It's slick with my blood. He lets out a sound, a whimper that I haven't heard since he's been gone, and his fingers tighten around my neck. He holds my upper arm with his other hand so tightly that I arch up beneath him and cry out in pain.

He only holds me tighter and drags his lips down to my throat.

On the edge of my terrified consciousness I hear Alistair. The tone is confused, but I can't make out his words. There is another noise, like the shaking of the trees and I think the wind has come up, but I can't feel it. Alec keens against my throat as if battling something inside him, and the sound of the wind in the trees gets louder.

Closer.

It's not the wind. It's too regular, rising and falling in a fast rhythm. I can feel it through the ground beneath me,  _tha-dump, tha-dump,_  like a heartbeat.

I open my eyes in time to see an enormous dark shape pass over me. Alec is gone and my arm burns as his hand is torn away. My eyes follow the movement and I see a black mass, rolling until it hits the trunk of a tree.

The vibration shakes the ground beneath me.

There's movement, white flashes among the darkness, blurring, and then it's still. Alec lies on the ground now, and outlined against the distant streetlights a gigantic muzzle sniffs around his face.

I manage to pull myself into a crouch. I wipe the slickness from my face and brush my hands on the grass, and I begin to back away. I should run, I know, but I can't, because no matter what he was about to do, it's still Alec lying there beneath... whatever that thing is.

It backs up slowly. Alec glances quickly at me and the thing growls. Alec looks up again. "I knew it," he says, his voice incredulous. "I fucking knew it."

The thing whines and backs away further. Turning its head, it looks at me. All I can see is a shape, a little colour around the edges. It's not black. It's covered in tawny fur, and it's monstrous. It looks the size of a horse as it hovers over Alec's outstretched legs.

Alec pulls himself up onto his elbows. "Fuck me," he whispers, and then he turns his head to look at me as well. "He doesn't know, does he?"

The thing whimpers again.

"What on God's earth is it?"

Alistair, when he speaks, surprises me. Suddenly all eyes are on him. The beast approaches and the growl it emits is low, rumbling, menacing as it stalks toward him.

I see it more clearly now. For a fleeting second I know I've gone insane. It's a canine, a wolf perhaps, but so large that there's no way it's real. It moves fluidly, smoothly toward Alistair, and all I can think is that it might distract him for long enough that I can get out of here.

But despite the fact he was about to kill me just a few moments ago, I can't leave Alec. And I need to know where Seth is.

I pull myself to my feet, and with my eyes still on the tremendous wolf and Alistair, I hiss at Alec. "Did you leave him in the pub?"

Alec groans and moves further from me. "Well, yeah, but he didn't stay there, did he?"

The wolf swings its huge head around and lets out a short, sharp bark, and then he turns back to Alistair. Alistair gazes at the creature, his head tipped to one side, as if merely curious.

The wolf crouches, about to spring, and Alistair takes a single step backward.

The wolf moves fast, but not so fast that I can't see it. It leaps at the shocked vampire with a low growl. The vampire is almost too quick for it as he blurs on the spot, but only a few feet away from where he stood, the wolf catches him. Huge jaws lock around the vampire's arm, and as Alistair screeches in outrage the wolf shakes its great head. A shriek fills the air, like the sound of metal ripping, and something spins away and hits the ground with a thud. Alistair is screaming, cursing, as he twists and grabs at the wolf, hitting and kicking as the wolf snaps at him, trying to get hold of him again.

I feel my legs go out from under me again and I slump against a tree to steady myself. I should be running.

"Holy shit." Alec takes a few steps forward. "Did you just...?" He disappears, only to reappear in the midst of the wolf and Alistair. "I fucking hope you aren't gonna do that to me, mate," he calls out as he takes hold of Alistair's remaining arm.

It becomes a blur of fur and limbs and crunching, screaming, growling. Together, Alec and the wolf tear off parts of Alistair. Fabric rips like paper, hard white hands and feet and bits I can't name hit the ground.

I watch as they rip Alistair into pieces. I cry, my chest heaving and hurting as it is racked with violent sobs. It's the savagery and relief and confusion; it's not knowing where Seth is, or if he is looking for me.

I don't know if I'm safe with Alec now.

~v~

Alec and the wolf pile bits of vampire into a heap. It seems far smaller than it should be. Some of the parts are still moving, and I watch in horror as Alec picks up a hand, the fingers grasping at air, and tears it down the middle.

When it's done, the wolf slumps to the ground and Alec stands beside it. He glances at me quickly, then just as quickly looks away.

The wolf seems to notice. It's far too self-aware for an animal. Letting out a soft growl, it gets to its feet again and puts itself between me and Alec.

The massive head hangs almost to the ground as it comes closer. It's of impossible size, and strange and frightening intelligence, but it seems more real than vampires right now. "No... god, no..." I whimper as I stumble away from it. "Alec..."

Alec backs away. "Don't be frightened, love."

I'm going to die. I know I can't run from it, but I try, slipping and stumbling, and I feel the animal's hot breath on my back and hear great paws hit the ground behind me. At any moment I expect to be pushed down and torn apart.

"Fucking twit. Don't chase him," Alec cries. "Can't you change back? Are you stuck like that or something?" Alec appears in front of me and catches me as I fall against him. He turns his head away as he holds me out at arm's length. "He's not gonna hurt you, love. Don't you see it? That's your boyfriend."

I don't understand what he's saying, and I shake my head. I feel a nudge at my elbow and heat as the giant wolf huffs its breath onto me. "Alec," I whimper. "Help me. I have to find Seth—"

Alec sighs. "He's right behind you." He looks around me, and I feel the wolf raise its head.

I moan in abject terror when I feel the wetness of the wolf's muzzle on my neck. I try to push Alec back so I can run again, but I can't move him.

"If you can look like a man again at all, mate, now would probably be a good time, yeah?" Alec rolls his eyes, and then, breaking my grip, he moves away.

The wolf whines mournfully. I feel it move back, and when I risk a glance behind me I see that it's pacing. It looks at me and whimpers, then at Alec, and I notice the eyes of the creature. Huge, brown, and sad.

My breath catches in my throat. "No..." I choke on the word. "No... it can't...

"It is," Alec whispers. "It's him. I can smell it. I don't know how, love, but I don't think he can undo it. Or he would have by now, you know?"

I can't stop shaking my head. I can't—won't—believe it because it's impossible.

The wolf whines and sits back on its haunches. Then it drops, belly to the ground, and begins to crawl toward me. The entire effect is like that of a submissive puppy and I gape at the creature as it comes right up to me and drops its huge head onto my feet.

" _Seth_?" All the other words get stuck in my throat as the wolf jerks its head up in a tiny gesture that is so like Seth. My heart is racing and my hand is shaking, but I hold it out. The wolf nuzzles it, and then a massive tongue drags over the tips of my fingers.

"I should go," Alec says.

I glance up sharply. "No, please."

"Love, you're bleeding..." He won't look at me.

It's obvious the wolf doesn't want him to leave, either, as it jumps to its feet and barks.

"You might be able to understand me, sweetheart, but I don't have a fucking clue what you're on about."

The wolf makes a sound of frustration, and then, in front of my eyes, shifts and reforms.

Seth stands before me, naked, breathing hard, his eyes filled with the same pain I'd seen in the eyes of the gigantic wolf.

"I wish I hadn't seen that," Alec mutters. I can't take my eyes off Seth. There are leaves in his hair, and it's tangled around his face. There's a wound on his shoulder, not much more than a scratch, but it looks as if it's been there for days.

"We have to burn it," he whispers, but he's not talking to me. He's looking at Alec.

Alec raises an eyebrow at Seth, and then looks him up and down and smirks. "All right."

There's a blur of movement, and I flinch away from the barest touch at my hip, but then Alec is standing back where he was, holding out his hand. Sitting on his palm is a silver lighter. My lighter. "Get it started then."

He disappears.

I stare at the place he was standing, then I look back at Seth. There was a wolf here, and now there is Seth. Alec is gone.


	5. Chapter 5

"None of this is fucking happening," I mutter as Seth drags me through the trees by the wrist. "Vampires don't fucking exist. I've lost my fucking mind and none of this is real." 

Seth stops and turns and I crash into him. Immediately his arms wrap around me, and despite the fact he's completely naked, he's warm. "It's real, Edward. I'm sorry." 

I'm so tired. It's tempting to collapse against him, lay my head on his shoulder and go to sleep, warm and safe, but I lift my heavy head and look into his eyes. "You turned into a wolf." 

His forehead creases up and he turns his eyes away from me. 

"You turned into a fucking great wolf, Seth. What the fuck?" 

My vision swims and I cling to Seth because I'm afraid I'm going to fall. My head is pounding so hard I can barely think and there's too much to think about anyway. 

"Don't go to sleep, babe, please." There's stress in Seth's voice, and I open one eye. 

"My head hurts." 

"I know, baby. Just a little further." 

* * *

I collapse to the ground with relief when we find the once-tidy pile of broken vampire among the trees. The bits have spread out, as if they're trying to escape, and when I open both eyes and force myself to focus, I see them moving. 

It's horrifying, and I want it to be a delusion. I want it to be some crazy trick my mind is playing on me. 

I know it's not. 

Seth walks around the scattered parts, kicking the bits back into a pile. I watch, hypnotised, as he flicks each little piece back into the circle and quickly pulls his bare foot back. 

He's beautiful in the darkness—all flowing muscle and burnished skin and natural grace—even in this macabre occupation. 

I lie down in the soft grass and close my eyes, just for a moment. 

* * *

There's a bright flicker, and then it's gone. My eyelids feel like they are lined with sandpaper, and I struggle to lift them again. 

It's a fire. The small blaze chokes the air with fragrant smoke. I push myself up into a sitting position and see two figures outlined by the flames, one seated, one standing. I feel like I've been here before, seen this before. "Alec," I whisper. Two heads turn and I briefly see their profiles before they are shrouded in darkness again. 

Seth looks up at Alec and says something, but I can't hear it. Then he rises to his feet and comes toward me before crouching down next to my legs. 

He's so beautiful like this, shirtless, a worn pair of jeans hanging off his hips. "I'm dreaming," I whisper, and he smiles and shakes his head. 

"No." 

I blink and look over his shoulder at Alec. I reach out to him, but he drops his chin and turns back to the fire. 

"Oh." I reach out to Seth instead, looping my arm around his neck and I pull him into a kiss. He's warm and safe, and he feels like home, and he smells... 

"Why do you smell like Alice and Jasper's apartment?" I ask. 

He sniggers. "That's not weed, babe. It's vampire." 

I blink. "Fuck." I'm not dreaming. "Alec," I whisper. 

I struggle to my feet, pushing Seth aside when he tries to hold me back, and I stumble over to Alec. I try to turn him around to face me, but even pulling on his arm with all my strength does nothing. 

He looks at me with eyes that are so dark they look empty. His face, his expression, is tight, pained. "I can't, love." His eyes flick up, and he shudders and swallows. "I'm thirsty, and you're covered in blood. You know what I mean?" 

I shake my head. "No. I need you." 

He grabs my wrist tight and I wince in pain. "I almost ate you," he hisses. "How many times have you almost died tonight because of me?" He drops my wrist and, with one hand on my chest, pushes me away then looks up at Seth, who I hadn't noticed was hovering close by. "Take him home. Get on that fucking plane and get him away from me." 

"No," I cry. "Alec—" 

There's a rush of air and the thick smoke from the fire swirls around us and Alec is gone. I panic and my head spins and my eyes burn. I don't know if the tears streaming down my face are from the smoke in my eyes or the wave of fresh, painful grief that hurts my heart and pulls me down to the ground. Everything hurts, every single part of me, and I don't know if it's physical or if my heart is breaking all over again. All I can do is accept the warmth that surrounds me as Seth wraps me in his arms. 

* * *

I hardly remember coming back to the hotel, just a dreamlike series of words and gestures Seth used to coax me here. 

I remember him saying something about the emergency room, and I remember swearing at him. There was something about the cold sterility of a hospital that I knew would make Alec cease to exist. 

Pink swirls away down the drain. Red rivulets run over my chest, down my naked legs. Blood drips from my fingers and hits the floor of the shower, exploding into flowers before it joins the swirling pink and disappears. 

I'm so tired. I tip my head back, not caring about the spray that hits my face and stings my closed eyelids. The warmth of the water and the hot body behind me almost lulls me to sleep. 

"Don't go to sleep, baby," Seth says and grabs my shoulders, giving me a gentle shake. I ignore him. My head tips to the side and the hard spray hits my cheek. I drift. 

Seth pushes me away, turns me and I'm forced to open my eyes and look at him. I want to be angry, but I can't summon the emotion I need. This time I'm dead inside. I can feel it. Cold. Hard. It sits like a lump in my chest. 

"You can't go to sleep," he repeats. 

"M'fine," I mumble. "Slept in the park." 

Seth frowns and pulls me into him, into his chest, and he's incredibly hot. "Almost lost you." His voice is thick and hoarse. He runs his hands over my body as if he's checking to be sure that everything is still there. "Can't fucking lose you, Edward, do you understand?" 

He's growling now, breathing hard as his hands move over my back, my ass, my thighs. 

He grabs me, his strong fingers digging painfully into my flesh. If nothing else it wakes me up. I squirm against him in complaint but he's holding me so tight I can barely move. His face is against my shoulder and I feel his teeth against my flesh. His jaw quivers as if he's fighting the urge to bite. 

There's no way I should respond to that, but there's something about it, like he wants to possess me, and I can feel the desperation humming in him. My fingers find their way into his hair and I mean to pull him back—but instead I encourage him, pushing his face into my shoulder, lifting myself onto my toes, dragging my body against his, thigh to thigh, hip to hip. 

"Fuck," he grunts against my shoulder. "Need you." 

His heat warms me, explodes in me, fills me, and I cry "Yes, please." 

When he turns me and pushes me against the wall, it's so fast I almost slip, but he catches me around the waist. 

Seth always catches me. 

Then it's just him and me and the slick soapiness of the shower gel and it hurts, but it's a burning reminder of the fact that I'm alive and safe and warm, and for just a tiny, fleeting moment, I forget that there's something missing. 

* * *

"Are you okay?" 

I look up into concerned brown eyes. "Yeah," I say, but I shake my head and drop it back into my hands. It's still hours until dawn, hours until there's any point in checking out and heading to the airport. But I don't want to sleep. I don't want to lose any moment in this alternate reality where Alec exists. I know that once I'm on that plane he'll cease to be. 

Seth presses hot lips against my temple. "I'm sorry," he whispers. 

Wondering what part of this is his fault, I raise my head just in time to see him go rigid. 

"What?" I ask, but I'm too late. I leap to my feet as he reaches the door and flings it wide. 

I'm not surprised to see Alec standing there, because I'm still firmly in this alternate universe, and yet not even Seth can stop me from throwing myself at my dead boyfriend. 

He doesn't even sway, and I cry out when the bruises that cover my body flare into pain. "Thank god," spills from my lips. "Thought I'd never see you again," and, "please, baby, please." 

I don't even know what I'm begging for. 

Seth has to pry me free, but he takes Alec's hand and leads him into the room. 

"Is he all right?" Alec asks Seth. 

"Yeah," Seth says. "What about you. Are you okay?" There's something about the question that's more than asking after his health. 

They're talking as if I'm not even in the room, but I'm so relieved to see Alec, to touch him, to have him close, that I don't care. 

Alec looks at me, and he looks a little afraid for a moment, but then he relaxes. "Yeah, mate. I'm good." 

I can feel Seth relax, just a little. There's some tension remaining though, when he asks, "You've umm... eaten? You're not thirsty?" 

Alec smirks. "I took care of it." 

Seth stiffens. "How many?" He leaves me and grabs Alec by the shoulder, and I'm shocked when he manages to push Alec against the wall. "How many people did you kill just so you could come here?" 

Alec's eyes go wide for a moment, and there's something different about the colour, but the thought evaporates when he laughs. "None. No innocent human beings were harmed in the making of this film. I bloody hope you're not too fond of horses though, sweetheart." 

"Horses?" Seth lets go of Alec and takes a step back. 

Alec shrugs. "That's what you wanted to hear, right?" 

Seth inhales deeply. A slow smile spreads over his face. "How'd they taste?" 

"Better than cows." He shrugs again, and then approaches me slowly, still afraid to move too fast. "Just wanted to know you're all right, love," he whispers. 

"Please don't disappear again," I beg him. I can't keep from touching him, his chest, his face, his arms. "I can't handle it." I bend to kiss him, to press my lips against his, and they are cold and hard but it's Alec and I don't care. "Stay," I beg. 

His eyes are definitely different. They flick to Seth and back to me. "I don't know if your boyfriend's gonna like that so much." 

I'm as surprised as Alec when Seth comes close to us both and places his large warm hand on Alec's cold cheek. "It's okay," he says. "Stay." 


	6. Chapter 6

Alec stands at the window looking out. I can't take my eyes off him. Beside me on the couch, Seth won't let go of my hand.

"I don't want to get on the plane," I whisper. "I don't want to go home."

"You have to go, love," Alec says.

Seth grips my hand tighter.

"Why'd you come back," I blurt, "if you're just going to leave again?"

The reflection of Alec in the window lifts its chin, and then he turns. "You came back. Now you have to go." His eyes flick to Seth, then back to me. "You've got a life to get on with."

I stare at him, incredulous. "Losing you almost killed me. What the hell do you know about my life now?"

He stares at me for long moments, then rolls his eyes. His gaze eventually comes to rest on Seth. "I know you've got a lad who loves you. He's warm, and he's bloody gorgeous, even if he does stink like a wet dog."

I don't know how Seth reacts. I can't look away from Alec. Seth doesn't move and I don't know what to say. What am I supposed to say? 'I was meant to grow old with you but then you died but it's okay because I've got someone else now?' It's not okay. Alec's right about Seth. He loves me. He's warm and beautiful. I think I love him. But he's not Alec. Alec was my life. He was the one. He was meant to be my forever and then he died. I went on living because I had to. Seth made life bearable, but he didn't heal the hole Alec left in my heart.

And he knows it.

I turn to Seth. "I love you," I whisper. It's the first time I've said it to him, and the shock shows on his face, and the hope, then despair as he anticipates what I'm going to say next. "I know you understand. Alec's not dead. I can't go home and forget that he's not dead."

"He is dead," Seth whispers. "He's not human anymore. He's not the same. You can't go back. I can't... Edward, I can't let you..."

I pull my hand out of Seth's and drag myself up onto my feet. "It's Alec," I spit. I turn to Alec, begging him with my eyes for help. "You're not dead. That other guy, Alistair, he's dead. You're not. You're walking around, talking. You're standing right in front of me. You came back. You could have just gone and I'd have no way of finding you—but you came back. You want me too. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you don't want me and I'll let you go."

I stand right in front of him, close enough to touch. Close enough to smell him. I look down at him, my Alec, and I stare into eyes that used to be blue. His eyes flick up to my hairline where the cut still stings, then back down to my lips. "I can't," he mouths silently. His eyes move to Seth behind me. "I'm sorry," he says, loud enough that I can hear him this time. "I'm sorry, mate. I'll never be able to leave him alone."

"You'll kill him," Seth says, and his voice is flat, emotionless, but I can hear the tension behind his control.

"He's all I've got." Alec's cold fingers slip into my hand, and he sighs. "He's the only thing I remember from before. Without him, I'm just a killer. Just a vampire. I'm Alistair's fuck-up. I wouldn't even know my name if it wasn't for him."

Seth is crying. "One day you'll get hungry and you'll kill him. Or worse. If you don't, what happens when you don't change and he does?"

Alec looks up at me. His eyes are shining, as if tears are about to fall, but they don't. "We were supposed to get old together, love," he whispers. "I remember."

"I don't care," I insist, shaking my head. "It doesn't matter."

"You'll care," Seth says.

I grit my teeth. "I won't." I'm still looking down at Alec, into his red eyes. "I love you. I don't care."

"What are you going to tell your family, Edward? That the last two years were a mistake? That he's not dead after all? Look at him! He's different. Anyone who sees him will know he's not the same. He won't change. Ever. You can't take him home. What are you gonna tell Jane? How the hell are you going to explain that?"

I drag my eyes away from Seth and wait for Alec to react. He doesn't.

"Have you seen her?" I ask. "She doesn't know, right? We saw her yesterday. I know she would have said something."

Alec's eyes narrow.

"He doesn't know who you're talking about," Seth says. "He doesn't remember her."

"It's the girl who looks like me," Alec says. "A sister? I only remember because sometimes she was there. In my memories of you, love. There's nothing more than that. I don't feel anything for her. She doesn't matter."

I stare at him with my mouth hanging open. I'm shocked. "She was the reason we stayed in London," I stammer. "How can you not remember her? She meant more to you than I ever did."

Alec throws his head back and laughs out loud. "Not a chance, love. You're the only thing that stuck around. What would I be without you? Nothing, that's what. A mistake. I exist because I remembered you. You must have been the most important thing in my life if you're the only thing I remember. I must have loved you with everything I had. You are everything now. But that's why you should go home with Seth. He's right. One day I'll be the thing that kills you, and I don't want that."

I turn around without thinking. I don't want to see triumph on Seth's face, but when my eyes fall on the place where he had been, he's not there anymore. I scan the room, but he's gone. I look back at Alec, a question on my lips, but he beats me to it.

"He's in the bedroom. Sounds like he's going to bed," he says.

I'm torn. I didn't notice that Seth left me alone with Alec. I should go to him, but I'm afraid Alec will leave, and I'll never see him again. I reach out to Alec because he's the thing I feel like I might lose. So solid, so hard, but I feel like he's going to disappear. "I'm staying," I tell him. "I'll go where you go. I'm not going to lose you again." I can't not touch him. I don't try to stop myself. I let my palms slide over his arms, his chest, his waist. They slide over his hips.

I hiss and pull my hand back when something pricks the inside of my palm.

It's nothing. The corner of a card in his pocket. With one hand on his waist, I use the fingers of my other hand to pull free the thing that scratched me.

It's a photograph. One of him and me, taken at the pub years ago. It's folded twice, and the picture is creased, cutting the two of us apart.

It's the picture from his parents' mantel. The one Jane said went missing.

"You've been to your parents' house," I accuse. "You said you didn't remember."

He stares down at the photograph in my hands. "I don't. It was almost a year ago when we came back to London. I was passing a house, and I smelt you. It was the first time I knew that you were real, that I wasn't crazy. I went inside. I was looking for you but the place was full of photos of me. I was human. Then I saw this one of you and me. We were together. All those memories were real. I knew who I was then, for sure. I was yours. I wasn't just a killer. I wasn't just an accident. I was yours once. After that, more came back to me. I remembered where we lived. I remembered where we met. And I saw you there last night. I followed you here. I watched you with Seth, and you were beautiful, both of you. I should have just let you be 'cause you were happy, but when you came out here last night I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry, love."

My chest is tight. I can't breathe. I press myself closer to him. I want to be part of him. I wrap my arms around him, lean down, and press my lips against his. They're cold and hard, but I don't care. "I love you," I murmur. "I need you."

"You're too close," he whispers, but he doesn't push me away. He lets me guide him back against the window, and I push my hips into his as I hold his face in my hands and devour his lips. I see the photograph flutter to the floor out of the corner of my eye. I don't care. All I care about is Alec, being able to touch him, to be alone with him, to breathe the same air as him. I'm aware that Seth is in the very next room, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters because I have Alec in my arms.

I pull open his coat and put my hands inside, sliding them up his shirt. He's ice cold, hard as steel. I flick open the button of his jeans then pull the zipper as I drop to my knees in front of him.

"What?" he hisses as he stops my hand.

"I need you. Please let me."

He stares down at me, his mouth open. "Oh, God, love," he whispers, then he silently mouths, "Seth isn't asleep."

"It's okay," I whisper as I slide my hand over Alec's length. So hard. Impossibly hard. He's going commando so his ice-cold cock is in my hand, only inches from my lips. I lower my head and taste the bead of fluid at the tip and I can't help but moan at the sweetness of it.

"Bloody hell," he whispers as I take the entire cold length of him into my mouth. "Bloody fucking hell."

I look up into wide red eyes. His cock is hard and heavy on my tongue, in my throat. It's the same shape and size as I remember, but so hard, so cold. It strikes me that it's like sucking off a statue, and I grin around Alec's cock.

His eyes grow wider and he lifts his hand as if he's about to place it on my head. But then he forces it down to his hip again. "I don't wanna hurt you, love," he breathes. "But god, that feels good. Feels so fucking good."

I moan at his words and wet my lips further so they slide over his stiff, glassy shaft.

His fingers wind through my hair. His movements are slow, hesitant, and I know he's still afraid of hurting me but I think maybe, maybe he's getting close, so I tug his jeans down to his thighs and hold his balls in my hand. He moans and pulls my hair, then he starts to come, ice-cold jets hitting the back of my throat with force.

I swallow twice, then I sit back, letting his still-hard cock slip from between my lips. His come tastes almost sweet, though I can't be sure it's not just because of the coldness of it.

He's suddenly right in front of me and it takes me a second to realise he's already put his jeans to rights and fallen to his knees before he's kissing me, dipping his tongue into my mouth as if he's looking for the taste of himself.

He presses me backward, until I'm lying on the floor and he's hovering over me. "Can't stop thinking of you as mine," he hisses.

I moan as his cold lips brush over my cheek. "I am yours. I've always been yours."

He shakes his head. "You belong to Seth now. I shouldn't be touching you."

"It's okay." I wind my fingers into his hair, lean up and kiss him. "I want you. It's been so long. Can I be inside you? I wanna be inside you, baby."

Alec pulls back and stares down at me. "You're mental."

I try not to let the hurt show on my face, but I know it does, so I close my eyes and let my head fall to one side.

He presses his hard, cold lips to my temple. "Feel that, love? To me, you're soft, breakable. Like a bubble that could burst at any moment. What do I feel like to you?"

I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. "Cold. Hard, like a statue." Then I see what he's getting at. There's no way I'll be able to penetrate him. I want to cry for what I'll never have again. Right from the start there was something about Alec that made me want to claim him, to take care of him, to look after him and make him feel good. Even though he's not dead, he's right here in my arms, I can never do it that way again.

Unless...

"Make me like you," I blurt out as I open my eyes. "You can do that, right? Do it to me. Then I can take care of you. We can be together and you won't have to be afraid of hurting me."

The boards beneath me reverberate as Seth's feet hit the floor in the next room. The door swings open and bangs against the wall.

Alec's weight on me disappears and he's gone.

"Don't you dare," Seth rasps, and I look up at him from my place on the floor.

**Author's Note:**

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